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void

by lovedoll

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1.
whine 02:23
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it’s the way i pour into you every day until my glass is all dried up you won’t share, you just down the wine turn the bottle bottom side up you didn’t ask me for more but i thought i was doing what you wanted i tried to toast to us, but you left me hanging you warned you never finish what you started i thought you were intoxicated but you turned around and bought him a drink now i’m left with a bottle i can’t afford i’m sober so i just let the wine breathe
2.
rocks i can't chew 04:19
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think i stepped on some broken glass think i feel it thru my shoe feel like thinking of all the ways that my feelings don’t come through but u just keep on walking just like u said you’d do i remain in shards lodged into u we built trees, it felt so alive even if we fought the whole time i felt safe hoping u wouldn’t leave, chop it down at the end of the night assembling the memories clinging to a fleeting home i hold on like a shirt in the rain i’ll keep u warm if u just keep me but i won’t leave ur back i keep myself sticking to the feeling think i’ll try something new feels like each time i do nothing feels so fulfilling put my hand on the stove i’m too scared of the cold i'll singe both my hands don't care the consequence i'll take all that I can get more than i can stand chop it down at the end of the night chop it down at the end of the night chop it down at the end of the night chop it down at the end of the night
3.
tripped on a trunk 02:03
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running thru a forest tripped on a trunk never taking root outsmarting entropy a more dangerous path beneath when we grasp for each other but still you catch me you caught me running thru a forest tripped on a trunk the other trees threaten their immobility but I never collide with such stability
4.
prettier 02:38
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guess i'm prettier all by myself that's why no one can stick around they see and preen and eventually leave use once and then throw me out guess i sparkle best alone my warm glow contrasting the cold i fail and flail and desperately wail i'm prettier when i'm on my own nobody can catch me nobody has kept me kept the tags on kept on neglecting i can't keep anything down feel so sick from all the smells i can't keep hanging on when i know i'm not being held i'm prettier all by myself capture the allure all too well but deep down inside my brain is fried i wonder when someone will tell i'm better off sparkling alone too unstable for someone to know tince no one tries it just builds up inside i'm prettier when i'm on my own so pretty and so alone thank god i'm so fucking pretty so pretty and so alone thank god i'm so pretty
5.
better4u 02:01
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sorry I'm not better4u sorry I can't be what you want me to I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be I can't turn this bitter coffee taste to a sweet tea wish that I was worth the pain wish I knew how to not chase you away wish i kept you here like you kept me sane it doesn't matter, I'm out of wishes anyways wish I could be better4u I never can be better4u write a hundred letters4u but you won't pull my tether toward you could be so much better4u hold my hand, forevermore you pick my scabs it never bore you hold myself together4u
6.
too late 02:24
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I haven't seen my dad in over 10 years he shows up at my door and he's in tears he said leaving me was his greatest fear but now he's here? he said he's very sorry all he wanted was to party I don't have to be so guarded he is no longer departed from me he said it's no surprise he wants to apologize he can't look me in the eyes with that bullshit of a lie but it's alright I know why he wants to be back in everyone's lives to build the bridges over time i don't think he'll realize it's too late I've made up my mind it's too late it's too late it's too late it's too late does he think that I am stupid we have already bee thru this how many times we gotta do this in the past he has proven himself now that I have settled and my heart is made of metal I will never forget all of the times he has made a fool of me I know that it's not smart but he's playing the right cards and I'm lookin at the charge thinking this could be a bargain for me he wants to be back in everyone's lives to build the bridges over time i don't think he'll realize it's too late I've made up my mind it's too late it's too late it's too late it's too late
7.
#000000 01:12
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8.
pit (endless) 04:30
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can't work down this road again they must have carved it to a pit in the dead of night when i wasn’t able to watch it no more crossing to a safe space i'd assume too much a risk land myself right at the bottom thought i knew better than this i still want for u endlessly take my all right out of me i want a future i can’t see it’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real but i, i want u here with me throw a stone to test the depth i can’t even hear a crash know it might mean certain death can't dream of another path you're the only one i know always been my destination nowhere else for me to go i trudge thru the devastation i still want for u endlessly takes my all right out of me i want a future i can’t see it's not real, it’s not real, it’s not real but i, i want u here with me with me with me with me
9.
bitter 05:56
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i get to work so early so i have the time to clear my head think how u did me dirty think how u left me for dead it's funny 'cause i always felt this all of the time we were together now i feel my lonely existence it hurts to know you're doing so much better 'cause i'm bitter and i cant shake the rage u don't deserve it he's just another passing phase relive every second of us like i'm watching it on a screen but my screen has too much dirt it's getting harder to see all of the details of our life a life that u couldn't wait to leave u were so trapped in our movies at least you're finally free 'cause i'm bitter and i cant shake the rage u don't deserve it he's just another passing phase u never loved me u never loved me u never loved me u never loved me u still have me in your back pocket i wish i could leave it alone it feels so cold, but i don't know if it better i stay on my own 'cause i love u and that will never change and if u come home i think my bitterness would melt away 'cause i'm bitter and i cant shake the rage u don't deserve him he's just another passing phase here you are, now, getting all u ever dreamed while i’m alone now, thinking how i was deceived here you are, now, getting all u ever dreamed while i’m alone now, thinking how i was deceived here you are, now, getting all u ever dreamed while i’m alone now, thinking how i was deceived here you are, now, getting all u ever dreamed while i’m alone now, thinking how i was deceived i’mbitterah i’mbitterahh i’mbitterahhh i’mbitterahhhh i’mbitteroveryou
10.
dilaudid 04:33
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i've seen u in your vulnerable parts i've seen u with your openest of hearts curled up like a tiny bird u seem so small but yet you're so disturbed from your eyes are silent tears they might be mine all i know is they're here counting harder than the clock waiting for the next wave of shock need a dose of dilaudid i more than want it the pain for u makes me lightheaded and u reflect it woke up to your endless pain the least that i can do is be awake haven't showered in a day should have left but i had to stay we keep running into problems this room is starting to turn solemn i just stay to hold your hand my body aches, my heart makes me withstand need a dose of dilaudid i more than want it the pain for u makes me lightheaded and u reflect it your eyes are glazed from all your pain my eyes are red-stained from the strain are you okay? then i'll be the same are you okay? then i'll be the same need a dose of dilaudid i more than want it the pain for u makes me lightheaded and u reflect it your eyes are glazed from all your pain my eyes are red-stained from the strain
11.
locket now 03:41
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dead middle of the night i get so confronted by the cold it’s already to marrow i can feel it in my hollow bones it’s dark now, there’s no sound i wonder if the world’s stopped turning around my incessant rattling’s scared the sun from ever coming out the warmth has drained it’s been replaced merciless rain more leaving stains i kept a locket now it just feels dumb i kept a locket now it just feels dumb it’s already november i look down and see myself distorted and colorless fixed for as long as i can tell is this what u see? no wonder winter won’t wish us well no nearsighted notions but u know how to make it all melt u meant too much that we lost touch it goes as such often enough the sun comes out no more rain now we figure how to slice the clouds i kept a locket now don’t care if it’s dumb give u my locket now it looks so dumb ow! i know u remember the way thru this door up the hill through avalanches to my floor so chase the scent of wine find the time to kill maybe then and only then the world can unstill maybe then, the world can unstill
12.
dirt 03:26
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oh, the moon, it grins back at me how it's thin lips twist it don't discern from it's fixed station i hastily mask a wince it's the same twist that a knife makes digging thru insides nonetheless, the shine from it's teeth nearly leaves me blind oh, at times, it seems so fruitless spraying pesticides on the raw dirt i've yet to till they permeate my mind at night, it seems things just flourish unsure that can be i double lock the bolts on my door somehow they gain entry everything is not enough, no everything makes you flee your sick, unmoving exterior manifests disharmony when my bones chatter and clench then, and only then, am i invited back into that safe hole to start clawing out again
13.
grave 02:56
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i’ll force down every mouth full of food despite it all tasting like sand only for i know if i don’t do it soon i’ll collapse down right where i stand and i have to keep standing for now so that i can take one last stab at showing you that much like the food that i eat much longer without you i’ll pass it’s hard to even open my mouth sometimes i must use my hands pry open the hatch like a basement floor toss it in there like i’m taking trash swallow my pride with a mouth full of wrath in the morning when i’m at my wake avoid that talks that i must have decisions about how i set my sails so i don’t veer away from my path though there’s not much left on this boat no people, nor cargo, just trash i don’t see the point in not sinking this joint the one option i have is to crash the only thing i know i can do best don’t dig in the ground i know that i’ll fall in the soil tossed around guess i packed it way too thin don’t bury me now i’ve so much left to give give it one more day don’t dig my grave don’t bury me in my grave bury me in my grave bury me in my grave

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released December 31, 2021

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lovedoll Seattle, Washington

wildly talented lyricist
mildly talented multi-instrumentalist

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