1. |
syzygy
03:20
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it’s been two weeks
since you last were seen
it doesn’t get more real
i keep holding my breath
for the fireworks to end
and the smoke screen to clear
i heard a thing about grief
that it comes in waves
well i must be at sea
tidal waves of absence
wash over me
must be a syzygy
i don’t want to do this without you
so tell me it’s a joke
i only want to hear your voice
even just on the phone
i don’t want to struggle to get by,
i don’t want to learn to love a life,
if i don’t have you by my side
i don’t even care what it would mean
i don’t care about a legacy
i would trade it all for you to be
with me
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2. |
one chord song
02:10
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it’s one AM and i miss my mom
i’m sick in bed and i miss my mom
i’m crying out i miss my mom
she’s out of town for so long
i’m all alone and i miss my mom
she’s on the road and i miss my mom
she’s never home and i miss my mom
i’m skipping stones without a pond
it sounds so simple
it sounds everyday
but try crushing your chest
and see what you can say
it sounds so simple
it sounds everyday
but try crushing your chest
and see what you can say
it’s all the time that i miss my mom
now i’m feeling like a one chord song
it’s all the time that i miss my mom
now i’m feeling like a one chord song
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3. |
back2blonde
03:24
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it’s been a month since you died
and everyone’s locked in the you they’ll remember
i’m in a permanent cry
an ice age reigns my terrain forever
doing all i can to see you
in more than pictures on the wall
i’m going back to blonde
platinum just like you were
so i can see you once more
in ponds and mirrors
they’re all afraid to ask how i am
so they tell themselves they already know
and i wear your necklace now
underneath all of my clothes
doing all i can to feel you
in more than just my dreams
i’m going back to blonde
platinum just like you were
so i can see you once more
in ponds and mirrors
i’m going back to blonde
platinum just like you were
so i can see you once more
in ponds and mirrors
(now i have to stroll through life with no floor
clinging to strands to not fall entirely
but my adolescence with your unending love
would be for nothing if it didn’t guide me
it’s hard to feel gratitude at a time like this
when you never got the life you deserved
these days, your memory’s priceless
and i cherish it, ensuring it’s preserved
love u mom)
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4. |
borrowed time
04:33
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fuck your borrowed time
she was owed so many more sunrises
i’ve got an allergy
to whatever’s lacing every bite you feed
one more holiday where i can’t call
one more year around the sun
you said she was on borrowed time
well you’ve stolen mine
you stole my time
felt she had til spring
and the summer was somewhat likely
with luck she’d hang til fall
cause i knew next year wouldn’t have her at all
one more holiday where i can’t call
i’m one more year around the sun
you said she was on borrowed time
well you’ve stolen mine
you stole my time
the doctors squeezed out more than we thought they could, it’s true
and i’m still sifting through the days
where your life stopped being yours
one more holiday where i can’t call
one more year around the sun
you said she was on borrowed time
well you’ve stolen mine
you stole my time
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5. |
caverns
02:31
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(machine writhes)
what a disgusting little metaphor
i still remember when we were kids
you’d keep the porch light on when we went out
so we could find our way back in
i carried that into adulthood
it was how you showed you cared
well now my porch light’s been out for weeks
and mama, i know that you aren’t there
i’d give anything to tell you
every gesture i hold close to me
the words keep piling up in my throat
and to your ghost i’ll speak eternally
my tears won’t ever stop this grief
but my love will outlive the stars
this is the realest thing i’ve ever felt, when my candle melts,
you’ll still be burning in the caverns of my heart
(machine struggles to breathe)
(door closes)
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6. |
lifeguards
05:04
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i used to feel like a mountain
formed from slow subduction
of everything i lived through
and now i’m just a bunch of dirt
you were the ocean blue
and you brought the life to me
now i’m leagues away from the
dried up dead sea
if only lifeguards could save me from drowning
in my dreams
expunge the horrors from my lungs and pull me to the beach
these days i swallow down sand and
wash grains down my throat and
once submerged i’ll ensure that
this body doesn’t float
today i smoked a cigarette
on the outside balcony
i had a sore throat
from seasonal allergies
my friend said it wouldn’t work and
i knew she was right
but that cold menthol coating
numbed what hurt inside
if only lifeguards could save me from drowning
in my dreams
expunge the horrors from my lungs and pull me to the beach
these days i shovel down sand and
wash grains down my throat
so once submerged i’ll ensure that
this body doesn’t float
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7. |
tourniquet
03:22
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i want to tell you i get it now
i dug it up from the yard
you can be absolved from past crimes i’ve
a wealth of understanding in my heart
now in pictures, i see your life it’s such
a painting of a person steaming
the love from your pores was more than enough
it filled up every breath i was breathing
now i’m living with a hole in my chest
there’s no tourniquet to starve out my bleeding
i’m armed with everything i got from your room
it serves as proof you gave your everything to being
i want to tell you i’m sorry i couldn’t look past my resentment
now i see, through every disease, you crawled to the ends of the earth to love me
i don’t blame the kid i was, in fact i think they were who they had to be
even still, i’d slap some sense into them so they could cherish you unabashedly
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8. |
lockjaw
03:32
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i’ll plow my field of dirt
until i’m out of gas
and lock my jaw onto
memories of grass
when i come closer
to your picket fence
littered abound your land
are the remnants
and it makes me come to
senseless gives me sense
there’s gotta be more to life than this
oh there’s gotta be more to life than this
there has gotta be more to life than this
there’s gotta be more to life than this
i’ve been tossed over the coals, hand over fist
if i didn’t know better it would make me quit
holding onto you, white-knuckled grip
couldn’t condone such sacrilege
you’re staying here with me
you’re keeping me company
there’s gotta be more to life than this
oh there’s gotta be more to life than this
there has gotta be more to life than this
there’s gotta be more to life than this
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9. |
driftless
03:31
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photos in the bag
i keep your photos all in a bag
and i steal a glance
when i can
vanilla in the air
i smell vanilla in the air
it’s in your clothes
so i keep the box closed
the boat drifts from shore
slow lumbering away
with all that’s on board
don’t know what you’d say
so
what’s your favorite holiday?
what’s your favorite holiday?
what’s your favorite holiday?
what’s your favorite holiday?
what’s your favorite holiday?
what’s your favorite holiday?
watched my food rot
cleared my fridge out
wish i had shopped
for what i know now
bleeds dry verve when i forget
how could i cope with it
rifling through your assets
white-knuckling fragments
so
what’s your favorite holiday?
what’s your favorite holiday?
what’s your favorite holiday?
what’s your favorite holiday?
what’s your favorite holiday?
what’s your favorite holiday?
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10. |
the mom you were
04:16
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i can still recall
being a child
curling up under the sheets
and in the dark you’d
come to my bedside
and ask where i’d be
and i’d tell you a
vision of utopia
in my dreams
you’d respond
that’s where you’ll go
so we can meet
and you said the same thing right before you died
knowing when i fall asleep that night
i’d awake to a void inside
i can still recall
sitting at dinner
you’d have us do good and bad
we took from every day
a yin and yang
that life is full of paths
well i have a bad for the rest of my life
now i’ve just got a good to find
i can’t scrub the sight of pre-death from my memories
i won’t forget the suffering you endured
despite that, i’ll force-feed what’s necessary
to honor the mom you were
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lovedoll Seattle, Washington
wildly talented lyricist
mildly talented multi-instrumentalist
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