1. |
blood star
03:00
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be honest with me
if we could pool our truths together
dish them out in twos, together
eviscerate our insides to breathe
do i make your blood run cold?
it’s written on your face, emboldened
i could always trace emotions
you hug me like you’re touching a dead animal
i’m coughing up a storm in our living room because there is star dust sitting on every surface
every tool we don’t use, every sofa sits stiff
can we regenerate our feet
if we’re gonna bleed
then let’s not cut so deep
shed pleasantries
and shed all the cheap resentment
we don’t really need defenses
were hanging it up like a winter coat
i’m coughing up a storm in our living room because there is star dust sitting on every surface
every tool we don’t use, every sofa sits stiff
can we regenerate our feet
if we’re gonna bleed
then let’s not cut so deep
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2. |
phantom limb
03:09
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there’s an assortment of remedies
scattered on my bed
pills and journals and fleshlights
trinkets to busy my hands
i’ll cycle through vices virulently
vie to strike a vein
bleed the pangs of missing you
let the clog move from me to drain
left my ticket on the train i travelled in last year
one way anyways it’s inconsequential now that i’m here
had i known it’s all the same, you hurt me even you’re gone
i’d refrain from alacritous measures sawing you off
here i am, like the moon,
fleeting moments when i’m full
there’s no preservation potent enough
you have to see it through
if i’m bright in the moment
i won’t slip into the dark
so how do you fog my pretense
in the wake of all this time apart
left my ticket on the train i travelled in last year
one way anyways it’s inconsequential now that i’m here
had i known it’s all the same, you hurt me even you’re gone
i’d refrain from alacritous measures sawing you off
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3. |
yearner
01:42
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i’m a yearner.
always have been, always will be,
need for someone to fulfill me
i will yearn for the sake of having needs
so if you catch me slipping,
pull the rug out from underneath
if i look too stable
take me down a peg and see
i need something missing
so i can feel complete
no picket fence and pound mutt can compete
i’m a traveler
always have been, always will be,
need to move to a new city
i will move until i lose my feet
so if you catch me staying
give me fleeting memories
make me love a station
while i gaze upon the trees
won’t need an invitation
as my stomach knots in threes
i’ll miss then ache and make do with the breeze
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4. |
he's harmless now
03:15
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hey son
daddy’s home
he’s at the bottom of the bottle
now he loves you more
he’ll glow over what you had
before you could talk
again
he didn’t
mean it
and he said
nothing
nothing at all
he wanted someone
to play ball
you won’t be the son he needs but
maybe once you grow up
he’ll love the spitting image that resembles
when he was young
hey son
daddy’s old
he played too hard, lost his cards
now he folds
can’t change what he’s been dealt
can’t be someone else
now he pleads
for me
to stay
and he said i’m
something
after all
he’s harmless now
wants you around
or maybe it’s the alcohol
he’s harmless
so harmless
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5. |
gotta find love
03:36
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overturning stones
kicking through leaves
keeping my eyes peeled
the texts don't mean much
i'm all used up
now i've gotta fight to heal
i toss in my bed
there's burn in my chest
i've got to release
if i wanna wake up tomorrow
then i've got to follow
where it leads
gotta find love
gotta find new love
gotta keep my body going, going
gotta make up with myself
gotta forgive
gotta let myself love again to live
fuck
maybe i'm a masochist
maybe i took it too far
i can't do my old routines
i just need some new shoes
or socks or something
to hook up to my heart
to jumpstart this rundown machine
i toss in my bed
there's burn in my chest
i've got to release
if i wanna wake up tomorrow
then i've got to follow
where it leads
gotta find love
gotta find new love
gotta keep my body going, going
gotta make up with myself
gotta forgive
gotta let myself love again to live
i need to fall in love again with life
since i can't love my own
i need to fall in love again with life
since i can't love my own
gotta find love
gotta find new love
gotta keep my body going, going
gotta make up with myself
gotta forgive
gotta let myself love again to live
gotta find love
gotta find new love
gotta keep my body going, going
gotta make up with myself
gotta forgive
gotta let myself love again to live
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6. |
brompton cocktail
02:48
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if i train my eyes to the stars that dart up high
i won’t know what’s puncturing my side
i can feel my body floating to the sky
go thru motions mixing chlorine with red wine
drink the wine
drink the wine
drink the wine
haven’t anted into my to do list
and i can’t look since the last time it sneered
haven’t shown my face around the parts of my life i’ve disconnected
disconnected
disconnected
if i train my eyes to the stars that dart up high
i won’t know what’s puncturing my side
i can feel my body floating to the sky
go thru motions mixing chlorine with red wine
drink the wine
drink the wine
drink the wine
drink the wine
drink the wine
drink the wine
can’t take another year of this
how many more lines on my face
have to form before i cross into space
disintegrate into star
i still pretend that i’m so far
each vice grabs hold of my
flesh and rips me apart
if i train my eyes to the stars that dart up high
i won’t know what’s puncturing my side
i can feel my body floating to the sky
go thru motions mixing chlorine with red wine
drink the wine
drink the wine
drink the wine
drink the wine
drink the wine
drink the wine
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7. |
on a thursday
02:36
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on an unremarkable thursday
you cheated on me
with someone you didn't love
maybe i'm showing my cards
too early
but could you at least zhuzh it up
what a forgettable thursday
for the both of you doves
that flew through an oil slick
next time give him your whole weekend
next time dye his hair
on a regrettable thursday
you forgot our plans
i found you never made it home
maybe i'm being petty
i thought we were straight
made love to him but i still got boned
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8. |
release form
03:09
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the auditorium is getting filtered out
spells of people disenchanted crowd
mezzanines and empty lobbies synchronized with the moth at the light of the exit sign
release form release form release form
let go of the life i fought so hard for
release form release form release form
let go of the life i fought so hard for
can tomorrow be the day
where i wake up feeling fine?
relinquished full control
to the contract that i signed
can i give up
restless yearning for more?
can i sign a dotted line and
run until i’m sore
where’s my
release form release form release form
let go of the life i fought so hard for
release form release form release form
let go of the life i fought so hard for
how many more depression walks do i have
left in me until i have to crawl?
cause i’m stuck eating shooting stars as a snuff
dried up my wishing well, so the flames fester on
release form release form release form
let go of the life i fought so hard for
release form release form release form
let go of the life i fought so hard for
release form release form release form
let go of the life i fought so hard for
release form release form release form
let go of the life i fought so hard for
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9. |
möbius strip
03:26
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june 2003
i made a discovery
hidden in fear languishing
it started in me
then it was unforetold
the lengths i would go
sprouting my first weed
no departure apropos
scraps
backsliding
ritual comfort
scraps
boundaries
new mentalities
then at the age of ten
rot made it’s way to my head
grabbed ahold like a vice
so i picked up a vice instead
september ‘23
it came visiting
in a patterned-shirt i know so well
it just won’t leave
scraps
backsliding
ritual comfort
scraps
boundaries
old mentalities
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10. |
sierpiński gasket
02:05
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wouldn’t it be nice?
wouldn’t it be cool if this went on forever?
what if over time
we just fell deeper in the sierpiński gasket
i can’t make my mind
i can’t decide if there’s more we should find
if only i knew
that we’ll reach the peak and say it’s worth the climb
is this really love?
is this really love?
is this really love?
or just a fractal we conceptualize?
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11. |
i am no face
02:56
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i'm so sick of trying to make sense
no sure where i learned that from
the world never explained itself
but there's still parts that i can love
i'm stuck in the consequence
of everything i've ever done
i still don't think it's worth it
but i'm hoping things can lighten up
i'm no face, wanting more
even face down on the floor
thought i wanted to feel it all
but there's so much i can't explore
it's not getting easier
it's not getting easier
it's not getting any easier
i'm learning to live with pain
i think he has just moved in
i've known him for so long
i think he might be permanent
it takes care to be carefree
think i care too much about it
overthinking peace
until i think that i've found it
it's not getting easier
it's not getting easier
it's not getting any easier
can things get easier?
(uoy teem ot ecin s'ti yeh
taorht ym tuo gnikat tsuj m'i
ti esol thgim i taht htaed ot deracs
eromyna ti deen t'nod i tub)
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lovedoll Seattle, Washington
wildly talented lyricist
mildly talented multi-instrumentalist
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